Twilit: The Musical
by Snidian
Summary: Several choice scenes from Twilight Princess, improved with musical numbers! Scenes are not in chronological order. Next up: a Spamalot Parody!
1. Tyrant!

Author's note: I do not own anything from Twilight Princess, or the song that these lyrics parody. Keep in mind that all songs in this series will be based only on songs that come from real musicals. Also keep in mind that it is flippin' hard to change between songs and regular speech. A third thing to keep in mind is that I thought it would be a bad idea to make anyone go 'shooby doo'.

**Tyrant!**

On one fateful day in the Hyrule Kingdom, the air grew thick around Zelda's guards as the doors to the throne room flew open. The princess gasped in horror as a cloaked figure in a frightful mask walked calmly in, followed by a horde of malformed shadowy monsters. After letting out a terrible moan, the figure turned to Zelda and started to laugh menacingly.

"Who dares intrude on our sacred grounds without permission?" demanded the princess.

"Someone you should fear!" rasped the figure. "I, the Shadow King, have come to conquer your world, and reclaim all that belongs to the Twilight Realm!"

"King or not, I cannot allow you to do such a terrible thing to my kingdom."

"Perhaps I should clarify, then," stated the king. After clearing his throat, he started to rise in the air, as the monsters behind him rushed at the guards.

"For as long as I have known, ever since I was a child,

All of the Twili saw that I was clearly wild,

I would do such things like cracking Sols

And placing small animals on burning coals

Every single denizen would have preferred me dead

But do you know what my God said?"

"Where are you going with this?" asked Zelda.

"Be quiet, you!"

"Well, he said, 'Young man, with eyes like fire,

I will let you obtain all that you desire:

You'll be a TYRANT!

You'll give all your enemies pain!

Just like a TYRANT!

And you'll kill those who call you insane!

You know how they all told you no?

I can force them all to say yes!

So be a TYRANT!

And you'll be a success!'"

All of the guards started panicking at the sight of the seemingly unbeatable monsters.

"Watch out, it's going to attack!"

"Don't breath in that fog!"

"Get the cannon!"

"That tyrant is obviously up to no good!"

"Could he even be worse than Ganon?"

"Impossible! He's too strong!"

"Shut up!" snapped the king. "Let me finish the song!"

"Now I'm a TYRANT!"

"We're not up to this task!"

"I'm overbearing, demanding, and strict!

I'm such a TYRANT!"

"What's that coming from his mask?"

"I enjoy all the pain I inflict!

It thrills me whenever I'm killin'!

"He's killing us all!"

"I love when they call me an expert villain!

And this awesome new power I possess,

I know deep, deep inside me,

My god will always provide me…"

The king quickly knelt down and touched his chest, while thinking to himself, 'Oh, Ganon.' After an awkward silence, he continued chanting,

"… As long as I'm a TYRANT!

And I'm a success!"

Stepping slowly past the unconscious guards, the king approached Princess Zelda. "Here's your choice, princess: live or die?"

"Um…"

"Live or die?"

"Uhh…"

"LIVE OR DIE?"

Zelda, seeing that she had no choice, surrendered by dropping her sword with a loud 'clang'.

"Now get!"


	2. Lake Hylia

Author's note: I own nothing from Twilight Princess, and I do not own the original lyrics to this song. Keep in mind that I do not think the Link/Midna relationship has blossomed yet at this part of the game. That's right, Midna fans: this one is for vu!

**Lake Hylia**

Life was good for Midna. Soon, she would have all of the Fused Shadows in her grasp, and Zant would be gone for good. So, of course, she was getting a little impatient.

"Hurry up, servant; we've got to go the Lakebed Temple now! We're almost done! Quick, put on that Zora outfit!"

Link grumbled and put his new armor on. Here he was, at Hyrule's largest tourist attraction, and he was being told to do all of these mandatory 'favors' just when the air was starting to warm up.

"What are you waiting for, Link, there's no time for dawdling!"

"That's it, I've had it with you!" shouted Link. "I'm taking a break whether you like it or not!"

"Ex-CUSE me? Did you say break? What makes you think you deserve time off?"

"I don't know, about eight days of adventuring? Besides, you shouldn't be in such a rush. We're at Lake Hylia, for Din's sake!"

"Grr … if I could only hold my form here … then I'd show you."

"That's too bad for you. Well, I'm off to do what I want today."

"Wait, I'm not done arguing with you!" Midna floated right in front of the hero's path and started to sing angrily.

"I saved you so you owe me your devotion!"

"Why don't you suck on a blue potion?"

"The Lakebed Temple is where we're going!"

"Let's relax while it has stopped snowing."

"There are enemies that you should be creaming!"

"I'm not listening to your bossy screaming."

"The Fused Shadow is in the boss's lair!"

"You go and stick it in your big hair!

I want to be in Lake Hylia!

Great things to see in Lake Hylia!

Life's good for me in Lake Hylia!"

"You'll get lazy in Lake Hylia!"

And so, Link continued to spend his day as he wished, all the while having to deal with his travel partner's bickering.

"Fishing for loaches is so fun!"

"You need to get us out of the sun!"

"I just hooked us a Heart Piece!"

"Good, now you can go and slay Keese."

"Night on the town in Lake Hylia!

No need to frown in Lake Hylia!

Go see a clown in Lake Hylia!"

"You're going down in Lake Hylia!"

"Lots of Rupees we'd have missed in your haste!"

"Lot of time you didn't need to waste!"

"I'm tired of listening to you rant!"

"I'm furious you don't want to beat Zant!"

"See every sight in Lake Hylia!"

"I want to fight in Lake Hylia!"

"It is alright in Lake Hylia!"

"If you live in light in Lake Hylia!"

As the day went on, Midna only became more frustrated at Link's merriment. Finally, she tried to taunt Link into going to the temple.

"I am tired of all of your pride!"

"So are you coming to my side?"

"I think your just a big wimp."

"What did you just call me, shrimp?"

"You say I would have passed Lake Hylia,

You think too fast in Lake Hylia,

You had a blast in Lake Hylia,

But you cannot last in Lake Hylia!"

Midna smiled slyly as she saw the anger well up in Link's face.

"Midna, I'll show you that you're wrong!"

"Then why were you stalling for so long? (Hee hee!)"

"I will prove to you I have no fear!"

"Then why are we both waiting here?"

Link quickly dove into the warm water of the lake and headed towards the bottom. Before returning to his shadow, though, Midna made the victory sign with her hair and shouted, "Ole'!"


	3. You Can't Take on a Goron

Author's note: No, I still own nothing. Yes, I was serious about not going in chronological order. Yes, it was hard to find that many words that rhyme with 'boots'.

Whoever does not recognize this song has never watched "Spamalot".

**You Can't Take On a Goron**

"Hyah!" grunted Link as he shoved Bo out of the ring. He then bowed respectfully to his elder as the mayor of Ordon Village applauded the hero's performance.

"Well done, my boy!" laughed Bo. "You could be a pro sumo wrestler if you decided to put on a few hundred pounds!"

"Thanks, coach. You were right, sumo wrestling really is just like hurling goats. Well, let me put my shirt back on and I will be on my way."

"Wait, Link, there is one more thing you need. The Gorons are a burly bunch, and a normal Hylian just doesn't have the muscle to defeat one without help."

"What do you mean? How am I supposed to get past the Gorons if I cannot be strong enough?"

"There is a way. Let me explain:

"In any great adventure where you do not want to lose,

Victory depends upon your specific choice of shoes.

So listen closely, Link: don't just walk up to those brutes,

Since you can't take on a Goron if you don't wear Iron Boots.

"You may have the finest gear; you might easily hide your fear,

You might be related to a hero down your roots.

You might have even bought some Deku seeds and a slingshot

But Goron skin would deflect anything the slingshot shoots!"

"Oh, shoot!"

"You may try to use your shield and your sword that you wield,

You may even try to hire new recruits.

Though you only saw a peek 'o those Gorons in Kakariko,

I know you're far too weak-o if you don't wear Iron Boots."

"That's harsh. Well, I guess that I should get those Iron Boots and get going."

"Wait, Link, there's still more:

"Now those people are big bruisers but they are not mental losers,

You might even find their elders quite astute,

The Gorons aren't trusty and their skills never grow rusty,

Not even in the crustiest of crusty ancient coots!"

"You mean I may have to wrestle another old person? This quest is very wrong."

"Well if you're wrestling Gor Coron, don't wear sandals made of boron,

Since you can't take on a Goron if you don't wear Iron Boots.

"The Gorons are peace-loving, though recently that means nothing,

They will resort to shoving as they are rolling down their chutes.

It will be to no avail offering tasty marble or shale,

You most certainly will fail as you listen to their hoots."

"You mean they are as annoying as Kaepora Gaebora?"

"No, boy, hooting is another word for laughter. Now please don't interrupt my warning again.

"There's a very small percentage that could win with no advantage,

Please don't say that you're the wimpiest of fruits.

"I'm no fruit!"

"I am only saying, Link, you should only try to think,

Against a Goron you would stink if you had no Iron Boots.

Yes, I'm just saying that with this war on, you shouldn't be a moron,

And only fight a Goron if you're wearing Iron Boots."


End file.
